- 2.08.11 - 9:30AM
- - by
- Molly McAleer
Five Things We Wish They'd Wikileak
last round of Wikileaks was a total snoozefest, and with Julian Assange facing trial, we're pretty sure we're never going to get the leaks we were hoping for.
Here's our list of dream Wikileaks, the truths that would have blown our minds and given us something worth talking about at cocktail parties.
The Colonel's Secret Recipe
Since the 1930s, the late Colonel Sanders has had poor people and stoners all across the world wondering what eleven "herbs and spices" make up his secret chicken recipe.
After the formula was broken free from the safe in Louisville, Kentucky where it was held for over sixty years, KFC diehards and norms alike now know exactly what makes up their munchies:
- Blue dot candy
- Garlic powder
- Whatever can be shaken out of the toaster at the time
- Packets of pepper swiped from the condiment station at McDonald's
- Corn syrup
- Celery salt shaken mad liberally
- Margarine spray
Biggie and Tupac Are Alive
Just as white kids in the suburbs have suspected for years, Biggie and Tupac are totally still alive and totally kickin' it on a private island. Together! Makes total sense, right?
How could they have recorded all of those posthumous albums before they died? They didn't! They have been recording all of those crappy tracks on this Thug Island.
This is how it went down: Biggie put a hit out on Tupac and Tupac found out, faked his death and had a hit put out on Biggie. Then Biggie found out that Pac was still alive and realized that they were equals. That's the moment they decided to retire from the game together and move to a remote location. However, being the high-spirited hustlers that they are, they were unable to stay out of the studio, thus all the postmortem hits.
What Michele Bachmann Was Looking At
The Tea Party's response to the State of the Union Address was made even more uncomfortable than it would have been normally by representative Michelle Bachman's blank off-camera stare throughout the entirety of her speach.
What folks at home couldn't see was the Magic Eye poster that was hanging up directly to the left of the camera man. Bachmann, a longtime Magic Eye enthusiast, was captivated by the puzzle and couldn't break her gaze until the secret image of an ice cream cone came to her.
The Contents of the Briefcase at the End of Pulp Fiction
While most Quentin Tarantino fans believe that the glowing briefcase in the final scene of 1994's Pulp Fiction contained the soul of the film's villain, Marsellus Wallace. However, the golden glow was actually a promotion for the Nickelodeon television series The Secret World of Alex Mack which premiered just one week before the film's release.
The Secret World of Alex Mack was about a teenage girl who was doused with chemical waste while walking home from school. From that day on, Mack had a range of superpowers and a special yellow glow.
When Tarantino was approached about the alternative marketing concept by Nickelodeon execs over a private dinner, he agreed that the natural choice was to fill the empty briefcase with that famous golden light.
Why Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman Broke Up
In 1999, while packing for a day at the beach, Nicole Kidman asked Tom Cruise to remember to throw her SPF 45 in his tote bag. When they arrived at Zuma Beach after sitting in two hours of traffic, Tom discovered that he'd forgotten to pack the sunblock like his wife had asked. Not wanting to take the blame, Tom played dumb when Nicole asked if he'd brought it, claiming that she'd never mentioned it to him.
Driving home sunburnt later that afternoon, Nicole told Tom that she thought he was "irresponsible" and "inconsiderate" and that he'd "always been that way." Tom pretended to sleep while she voiced her feelings, but mentally banked her concerns as attacks on his character.
Whenever the couple would argue after that, Nicole would always bring up that day at the beach, and Tom would always vaguely refer to times he felt verbally abused by her. After two years of having the same fight, they decided to part ways.
- related:// WikiLeaks Releases First of Over 250,000 U.S. Embassy Cables
- related:// Urlesque's Wikileaks coverage
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