- 1.26.11 - 11:30AM
- - by
- Edward Small
Internet Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew
You may know Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew. I'd like to introduce his new spin-off, Internet Celebrity Rehab,where forgotten memes will work through their abandonment issues. It airs on VH1 this spring.
Dr. Drew: Hello, everyone. Glad you could all make it to our group therapy session. Would anyone like to start?
LOLCat: I can has furst commentz?
Dr. Drew: We've been over this, LolCat. As soon as you decide to start talking normally, you can contribute to our discussions.
Chris Crocker: Why are you so hard on LolCat, Dr. Drew? He can't help how he talks.
Tay Zonday: What's the matter, Chris? Is there something you want him to do to LolCat? Maybe some phrase that sums up how you're feeling now?
Chris Crocker: Don't...please...
Tay Zonday: Like "let him be" or something? I can't seem to put my finger on it...
Chris Crocker: *Sob* Leave LolCat alone!
Dr. Drew: Stop antagonizing Chris, Tay. You know how hard he's been working to stop saying that.
Leeroy Jenkins: Exactly! I'm tired of you thinking you can push the rest of us around just because you have over 50 million views! I mean, at least people actually know what my name is. Everyone only knows you as "Chocolate Rain Guy!"
Star Wars Kid: Oh, yeah, I'm sure everyone would recognize you on the street, Leeroy. Just as long as you were dressed up like your World of Warcraft character.
Leeroy Jenkins: Joke's on you, Star Wars Kid! I dress up like him all the time!
Dr. Drew: People, please! No one knows who any of you are anymore! That's the whole reason why you're here!
Numa Numa: Yeah, right. No one knows the guy whose dance was featured on an episode of NCIS two years ago. That makes sense.
Dr. Drew: We're dealing with Internet time here, Numa, not regular time. Two years of not being talked about online is equivalent to about 400 years of not being talked about in real life.
Numa Numa: Well geez, sorry I couldn't remember all that math. You're our therapist, shouldn't you give us some conversion charts?
Dr. Drew: I did give you conversion charts. You all crumpled them up and threw them at me when you realized they said none of you had been popular after the English Civil War.
Numa Numa: Oh, right...hey, that was a fun session!
Dr. Drew: Ok, come on everyone. We can't have every session consist solely of us yelling at each other. Let's try some role-play. Double Rainbow Guy, I'll be you, and you be someone on the street who doesn't know me. I'll show you the proper way to react. You start.
Double Rainbow Guy: Got it. *Ahem* Oh, hello Double Rainbow Guy! I recognized you immediately, even though you aren't actually in the double rainbow video! I just wanted to thank you for your incredible and unique contribution to Western civilization that will surely go down in history as one of mankind's greatest achievements. Could you sign my laptop for me and then make love to me, assuming I'm a woman?
Dr. Drew: ...Really, Double Rainbow Guy? You spent about three minutes fawning over two rainbows. Do you honestly think people are going to act like they've just bumped into Shakespeare every time they see you?
Double Rainbow Guy: Well, I don't know. How many views did his YouTube video get?
Dr. Drew: What? No, Shakespeare was a 16th century playwright, not an Internet celebrity.
Numa Numa: Oh, ok. So people would be more excited to see some guy who's never even been on the Internet than they would be to see someone who was in a Weezer video. That makes sense.
Dr. Drew: *Sigh* Ok, moving on. Dramatic Look Gopher, have you made any progress in terms of controlling your reactions to non-dramatic events?
Dramatic Look Gopher: OH MY GOD! A QUESTION! HE JUST ASKED ME A QUESTION! THIS IS THE MOST TERRIFYING AND MEANINGFUL MOMENT OF MY LIFE!
Dr. Drew: Ok, I guess not. You know you're never going to move past that video unless you learn to express other emotions, right?
Dramatic Look Gopher: YES! YES, I KNOW THAT, AND IT'S TERRIFYING!
Dr. Drew: Ok, that's...well, hey, I think that might be progress. Yeah, I'm just going to go ahead and call that progress.
Afro Ninja: Hey, how come he's progressing and I'm not?
Tay Zonday: Because you called me crying at 1 AM last night when some woman at a bar said she had no idea what the phrase "Afro Ninja" meant.
Afro Ninja: That call was made in confidence! You swore you would never tell! *Sob* She thought I was talking about some new brand of deodorant...
Dr. Drew: Look, guys, this is nothing to be ashamed of, ok? You had some fun with your moment in the spotlight, and now it's time to move on with your lives. Besides, being famous isn't all that great anyway. You get harassed by the press constantly, you lose all your privacy, people are constantly speculating about your sex life. I mean, look at what happened to Brit-
Chris Crocker: To who?
Dr. Drew: Erm...to Britney...Jones. She was a friend of mine from middle school who got famous and lost her mind. I don't really like talking about it. The memories are far too painful. Anyway, does that sound like the kind of life you guys really want to lead?
Tay Zonday: Hey, it beats hanging out in your mom's basement all day.
Numa Numa: Agreed.
Afro Ninja: Definitely.
Leeroy Jenkins: My mom's basement just hasn't been the same since she told me I could only play World of Warcraft for eight hours a day.
Star Wars Kid: I would love to have a sex life worth speculating about. Could fame make that happen?
LOLCat: I can haz peepul caring about where I shop? Awsum!!!11!!
Double Rainbow Guy: Would I have more than one reporter following me around? As in...double news coverage?
Dr. Drew: *sigh* Ok, this therapy is not going as well for you guys as I hoped. Looks like we'll have to resort to medication.
(Grabs laptop, shows video of sneezing baby panda to the group)
Dr. Drew: Works every time. Now has anyone seen Ted Williams?
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