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America certainly has no better authority on internet security and cyberwarfare than Fox News' resident demagogue/sysadmin Glenn Beck. He understands what's really going on with Wikileaks and Operation Payback: conservative Americans are under siege by a united front of liberals and no-good youngsters with computers.

To further understand his logic, please enjoy the following representation of Glenn Beck's imagination. In screenplay form.

INT – ACORN-FUNDED HACK-CAVE – NIGHT

Rows of TEENAGE HACKERS in THICK GLASSES and shirts emblazoned with ACORN LOGOS and HAMMERS AND SICKLES sit behind massive COMPUTERS, typing furiously as MATRIX-STYLE LINES OF CODE stream down the monitors. On one rocky wall of the hack-cave hangs an ENORMOUS OIL PORTRAIT OF JULIAN ASSANGE STYLED AS JESUS CHRIST. On another wall hangs a PAINTING OF BARACK OBAMA SEIZING THE LAND OF A MIDDLE CLASS FAMILY.

On one of the teen communist hacker's screens, the words "OVERRIDE PASSWORD? Y/N" appear. He stands and waves.


TEEN COMMUNIST HACKER #1
Comrade Soros! Come quick! I've almost hacked into the government! Once we override the password, we can free Julian Assange and take all the money from senior citizens and the middle class!


GEORGE SOROS emerges from the shadows of the hack cave driving a HOLOGRAPHIC MECHWARRIOR.

GEORGE SOROS
Well then, what are we waiting for?


George Soros extends a TITANIUM SPIKE from his HOLOGRAPHIC MECHWARRIOR and presses the "Y" key. The ENORMOUS VIDEO SCREEN flanked by STATUES OF NANCY PELOSI AS THE VIRGIN MARY displays a PROGRESS BAR with the words "HACK VIRUS LOADING..."

All the teenage communist hackers CHEER. THE REVEREND JEREMIAH WRIGHT finishes MARRYING A GAY COUPLE.

GEORGE SOROS
In a few short moments, we'll have a revolution!


Suddenly, RED SIRENS begin flashing. A wall of the hack cave EXPLODES. As the dust settles, we see GLENN BECK, wearing FATIGUES and supported by a PLATOON OF GREATEST GENERATION WORLD WAR II VETERANS. They point their 1940s THOMPSON MACHINE GUNS at the communist teen hackers.

GLENN BECK
Not so fast, George.

GEORGE SOROS
Blast!
(to Teen Communist Hacker #1)
Quick, try to override the Second Amendment!


Teen Communist Hacker #1 TYPES FURIOUSLY to try to OVERRIDE THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE CONSTITUTION. Glenn Beck SHOOTS HIS HANDS OFF. Teen Communist Hacker #1 SCREAMS.

GLENN BECK
Looks like you just lost the right to bear arms. All right boys, let's take America back.


The OCTOGENARIAN SOLDIERS storm the hack-cave, showering the teen communist hackers with PATRIOT BULLETS. "STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER" BLASTS. Glenn Beck runs to a HUGE ELECTRICAL SWITCH labeled "WIKILEAKS." He switches it to "OFF."

INT. CAVE SOMEWHERE IN PAKISTAN – DAY

OSAMA BIN LADEN sits at a LAPTOP reading WIKILEAKS. Suddenly, the screen TURNS BLACK. He SCREAMS.

OSAMA BIN LADEN
Now we'll never win!


AMERICA IS SAVED.

FADE TO BLACK.