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So this week the people at Facebook tried out a new tool to help them identify and freeze accounts that look like they're fake, which is great in theory (because no one likes spambots), but evidently didn't come close to actually working.

The problem was that a bunch of actual people woke up Wednesday morning with their Facebook accounts mysteriously frozen because the software had flagged them as suspicious. To make things even more inconvenient, the only way for them to reactivate was to submit an image of government-issued ID as proof that they're not a scam artist.

Big Brother issues aside, the weird thing about the account suspensions is that most of the people who have been booted are female, which leads me to suspect that the software basically looked for hot girls who got lots of guy friends, and suspended them thinking that they were pornbots. Flattering, but, ya know... come on. I'm trying to poke people over here.

Don't worry, though, ladies. As a blogger and licensed master of sweatpants-chic, I've come up with a foolproof guide to make your profile photo less porny and keep your Facebook account up and running!

1. Try to look a little "off your game."


I'm not saying you need to go full-out ugly here, but you should definitely try to choose a trait to make ridiculous. By posting a photo where you're not at 100%, you're gonna surprise everyone with how good looking you are IRL and play up the fact that you are certainly not a Russian sex robot soliciting lonely middle aged men. Here I've chosen to create a subtle double chin, which does wonders in the "not trying to seduce you" department, but I'm still sporting a smile that says to my Facebook friends, "Go ahead. Share a laughing baby video on my wall."


2. Be Liz Lemon.


If any look is "hot" on the internet right now, it's neurotic-white-chick-with-an-unabashedly-depressing-single-lifestyle, so why not cash in on that trend and convince the software that there's no way you'd go near a hairbrush, let alone try to sell someone a male enhancement supplement? They're not going to suspend an account that may very well be the one string keeping this woman from being an actual hermit -- she's their bread and butter. She runs half of FarmVille. If possible, incorporate as many felines and ill-fitting clothing items as the frame allows (bonus points for real pit stains!).





3. Try to look old and stern.


I know MILFs are a thing, but in general I'm pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg hasn't designed this stuff to go after someone who's probably only logged into Facebook right now because they haven't closed Netscape Navigator since 2002.




4. Make them think you could kill someone.


No saleswoman is going to get very far if her customers think she might physically harm them, so you'll definitely fool the software with a few simple makeup alterations to take you from "woodsy flannel" to "I've done hard time."




5. Just look actually insane.


Nothing says "I'm trying to repel people and will definitely be impossible to deal with if anything ever goes wrong with my account" quite like some good old-fashioned insanity. There's no way they'll mess with you if you bring out the big guns. Downside: nobody else will talk to you either.



Bonus features: Real talk. Tone down the cropping, ultra-saturated colors, and all-around JV photo editing acrobatics.


I need to end with some tough love here, because not everyone is gonna have the balls to tell you, and it's probably better coming from me anyways: Picnik is ridiculous. I know that it's November and your summer bronze is a distant memory, but for the love of God, we all know you don't live in some sort of Barium chamber on Mars, so you can cool it with the "glow" effects.


Godspeed, ladies! Together we'll get through this.

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