facebook status update
For this edition of website user Field Guides, I enlisted the help of one of my favorite bloggers, Christine Friar, a woman who shares my adoration/disdain for the world's biggest online community... Facebook. Together we are like a couple of cyberpunk Jane Goodalls, observing your dad's n00b behaviors, rolling our eyes and taking notes. It's an exciting time to be alive. This massive influx of new technologies has captivated a world that hasn't had time to effectively adapt to the new rules, so you're left with the 20 cases below. And at the same time, there are no rules! The future is everybody having an equal opportunity to be an idiot online.

Take it away, Xtine:


So everyone always talks about Facebook, right? And you want them to shut up because the last thing anyone wants to hear over the cubicle wall at eleven on a Tuesday is another complaint about Mafia Wars, or how that guy you're not friends with anymore posted ninety photos of himself making a backwards peace sign. But somehow, cosmically, invariably, the conversation will touch upon a point you haven't discussed yet and you'll get sucked in. You need to make fun of these people.

A huge component of this love/hate relationship is the fact that the floodgates have blown open in terms of who's on the site and why they're using it. Frankly, I don't miss the posturing that took place on the Facebook of yore, when everyone was trying to look beautiful and fun. I much prefer the Facebook that crams my friend's eleven-year old brother next to my love interest next to a Ugandan guy I met at a bar one time, because it's a mess. No one has the same motives – or any motives really. It's impossible. Oh, you're trying to look cute? My aunt just posted a photo of her baby's exploded diaper.

I had to reflect deeply on what my policy was going to be in regard to accepting the friend requests of my twenty-five aunts and uncles and all three living grandparents. Did I want them to know that I drink beer? I just decided not to care. It's easier and, frankly, iF u CaNt HaNdLe Me @ My WoRsT tHeN u DoNt DeSeRvE mE @ mY best ~*~.

And now, here they are, The 20 Types of People You Meet On Facebook.
01
The Homeschool Mom
Peppers your feed with diaper-changing stories. Books: The Bible.
Every day I wake up feeling so blessed that God has blessed me with five beautiful blessings!
02
XxTweenCorexX
Wait, why does my computer suddenly smell like Abercrombie?
went 2 tha jUsTiN bIeBer show 4 Hailey's 12th birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!! ke$ha made a surprise appearance!!!!!! best night EVER!!! luv my gurls (except you casey, we're in a fite still)!!!
03
The Sojourner
Thinks you love living vicariously through his adventures.
Just woke up from our first night in Phuket. And I thought the Slavs knew how to party!
04
The Uncle Rico
Never got past high school.
Remember that time when we burned down Old Man McCutcheon's barn and had to clean firetrucks for a month? Sometimes I wish I could go back to those days...
05
The Social Gamer
Failure at life, success at Farmville.
I just found a trashcan baby outside my meth lab! Come join in on the fun at Drug Wars.
06
The Free Thinker
This pseudo-intellectual thinks he was the first one to read Ayn Rand.
Political Views: It's all part of the same machine. Religious Views: Yeah right!
07
The Intrusive Relative
All up in your biz.
Are you coming to this year's reunion? Since your on the Clingensmith side, we'll need you to bring a covered dish or dessert. Hope you can make it!
08
The WebMD
Polling the audience for every ailment.
X-rays came back inconclusive. Anyone know what it means if you've had the hiccups for six days and your left eye won't stop twitching?
09
The Well Wisher
You never talk, but every year, like clockwork...
Happy Birthday!

10
The Vague Sadface
Always bothered by something, never explains why.
Sometimes I look back at the last 25 years and I just wonder, "What's the point?"
11
The Spammer
What, you didn't know your nephew was just hanging out in Nigeria this week?
I was mugged while traveling in Nigeria and can I have your credit card number to pay for my flight home?
12
The Everything But
So eclectic, but for a few minor exceptions.
I heart music! Music is my life. I like it all except for rap and country.
13
The Lovebird
This is what dreams are made of.
The past two weeks have meant more to me than you will ever know, @Sidney Jean Johnson <3
14
The Teen Mom
Just a reminder that parenting, and high school, are hard.
Studying for finals and Kendyll won't stop crying :-* Think she has colic. Geometry is the worst!
15
The Lovequotes.com Casanova (see also: Amanda Bynes)
Hide the knives.
if you're in love and you don't want anyone else get married immediately
16
The Fun Lover
Unlike everybody else, she enjoys being alive.
Likes: Hanging out with friends, Living life to the fullest, Having a good time.
17
The Inside Jokester
Loves making you feel left out because you didn't go to her bachelorette party.
Hey girls, all I'm gonna say is, "Never sit down on a yellow fire hydrant before noon!"
18
The Debbie Downer
Begging someone to pull the plug.
Woke up at 4:00 to the dog howling, turned out he'd dragged a live raccoon in through the doggie door. Needless to say, one rabies shot, twelve stitches and three animal control specialists later, I'm not too thrilled to shovel my car out of all this snow!
19
The Mom
That's a status update, not a wallpost.
HELLO HONEY... THIS IS MOM... STILL LEARNING THIS WHOLE FACEBOOK THING... JUST DROPPING IN TO SAY HI!! MY COMPUTER WON'T STOP TYPING IN CAPITAL LETTERS...COULD THIS BE A SPYWARE??? LOVE YOU!
20
The Self Promoter
Ugh, another event invite from Tokyo at that place in Hoboken. Didn't she just do some kind of steampunk burlesque thing at that bar last week?
Tokyo Ali has invited you to become a fan of Tokyo Ali.