1 Comments

Yesterday Gawker posted a news item whose headline feels more like the beginning of a very good sci-fi thriller: There are seven keymasters who can restart the internet. Imagine this story narrated with a booming movie announcer voice:
Seven people have been chosen to receive keys that, when used together from a secure location, can be used to "restart the world wide web" after a "catastrophic event."
Whew! Two tickets please.

You'd think such a tremendous responsibility would be given to familiar figures we know and trust, but it turns out the chosen seven are relatively unknown computer scientists scattered around the world.

That got us thinking: Who would we nominate to be the keymasters of our internet?

We opened it up to you on the Urlesque Facebook fan page and, after hours of the sort of heated deliberation that involves slamming doors, tearful close-ups and lots of graphs, we've finally compiled our panel of experts. We're ready to hand out the keys.
01
Justin Bieber
(With supervision of a parent or guardian)
Haters can cringe and scoff all they want, the internet willed him onto this list. By virtue of having the most viewed video on YouTube, shiny hair, a lasting bond with Ellen DeGeneres and the ability to seismically brainwash millions of Twitter-happy teenaged girls, the cherubic toddler has more than earned his key. With supervision. All it would take is one Tweet...
02
El Edwards
"You've Got Mail!"
The legion of keymasters demands a veteran, someone who's lived through it all to provide checks and balances for the unsullied innocence of The Bieber. You know El Edwards best as the original "You've got mail" voice, and you might think that era of internet has passed, but you'd be dead wrong, son -- he's still there saying it every time you have mail, you just can't hear it.
03
O RLY? Owl
Yes RLY
In case of a global catastrophe, what the world needs is an intrepid journalist who asks only the hard questions.
04
Moot
Probably doesn't need your stinkin' key
If anyone understands how to mobilize the masses, it's 4chan founder Moot, who has already come close to restarting the internet while overseeing its most hazardous meme feeding grounds. In fact, we're already reconsidering his inclusion on the list -- he could probably hack his way in without a key.
05
Maru
When in doubt, dive.
Maru has proven himself worthy of the keymaster title based on sheer cuteness and his opportunistic eye for finding shelter in open cardboard boxes. This is a cat with a strategy.
06
Bill Nye
Few professional titles compare to Bill Nye's: television host/science educator/comedian/mechanical engineer. The man basically raised us; I'm sure he'll know what to do.
07
Rick Astley
He'll never let you down.
He may have proven his mettle at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, but we're keeping his key behind emergency glass. There are very few instances where you'd really need to restart the internet when you have the power to Rickroll the global catastrophe away.