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wolf blitzer
Remember that movie Nell and that book Julie of the Wolves? Neither plot revolved around the story of a girl raised by wolves, but if there were such a thing, that chick would be MESSED UP. Big time!

CNN anchorman and stalwart Wolf Blitzer is not a wolf, but he does kind of look like one. And he's intense like one (that beard, itself, says so much). So, naturally, the Onion News Network decided that Blitzer's [fictional] daughter, Molly, couldn't merely be a pretty young thing with good grades and a polite smile. No way -- when you're raised by Wolf, your world is a far cry from the lives of "the normals," or "the viewers."