12 Comments

Yelp Reviews
Yelp
By Cole Stryker and Katie Baker

The consumer review site Yelp is a wonderful resource, especially to those who have recently moved to a new city (me). Most of the users offer helpful tips and warnings that have revolutionized the way that people decide where to eat, drink and two-step.

However, it's also full of insufferable douchebags and divas. I enlisted the help of my friend Katiebakes, a lady with a knack for reducing annoying people to their idiosyncrasies who shares my love/hate relationship with Yelp. Together we have developed a field guide to the 13 most annoying people you'll meet on Yelp.
01
The Comedian
It's all about him and his sense of humor.
This fried chicken place has bettah breasts than my ex-wife! So I says to the waitress, I says, 'No, but I'll have anudduh Diet Coke!'
02
The Eternally Displeased Diva
Can't be satisfied.
A waiter called me ma'am. Also, the sauce was a little too saucy for my taste. I'm sorry, but I expect better service from a restaurant featured in Time Out NY. One star!
03
The Gonzo Journalist
Every review is an adventure!
We were somewhere around the South Side on the edge of town when the drugs began to take hold. I was halfway through my third course when the giant bats appeared.
04
The Tangential Ranter
Complains about everything a restaurant staff couldn't possibly avoid.
There was a smelly guy sitting in a booth next to me. Couldn't enjoy my meal. This place sucks!
05
The Contrarian
There's a fine line between devil's advocate and annoying.
Don't listen to the four hundred 5-star reviews. When I went the music was too loud!
06
The Screenwriter
Gives you their whole life story.
Here are the series of events leading up to my visit to this place: the websites I visited, the reviews I read, the mood I was in, the time I arrived, the conversation I had with the maitre'd, the things I tried based on reviews (and which reviews I most expected to agree with).
No word on how the food actually was. Always includes the phrase "imagine my surprise."
07
The Reluctant Reviewer
Insists that her experience was so special that it was worth opening an account.
I never comment on these sites, but I just had to share my story.
08
The Just Couldn't Wait
Texts her reviews from the cab.
lol this place is awesome!!!!11! joe was an amazing bartenderand omg haaaaa drink the witchesbrew,or maybe 6lol hahahahah loveit LOVE YOU JOE!!!!!!!! (sent at 4:47am)
09
The Hipster
If you like it, he can't.
Ugh, I loved this place before all the hipsters found it. Avoid.
10
The Mommy
Thinks every doner kebab shop should provide at least one changing table.
There was nowhere for my stroller and they didn't have any high chairs. No, I didn't call in advance to ask, I shouldn't have to.
11
The Party of Twelve
Tiara'd, tipsy twenty-somethings.
Service was slow and the bill was expensive when I reserved a table for me and all my bridesmaids. We each ordered a completely different 10-ingredient cocktail and they gave some of us the wrong drinks. We did not leave a tip. Later we realized they had automatically added one! We will NEVER do a bachelorette here again.
12
The Reminiscent
Can't let go when her favorite sports bar turns into a fro-yo place.
This place previously housed my favorite restaurant, and now it houses a new one. I haven't eaten at the new one but it SUCKS! Just like this whole neighborhood does these days.
13
The Extrapolator
Orders something from the kids' menu, is inevitably disappointed.
I ordered plain noodles with sesame sauce on the side at the Chinese food place and it was not good, so the beloved general tsos chicken and the award-winning dim sum is overrated.