- 6.09.10 - 8:00AM
- - by
- Jason Newman
The Web's Worst Lawyer Commercials
We've compiled the Web's worst lawyer commercials to show you that just because you went to law school (presumably via e-mail), doesn't mean you can't call someone an "illiterate boob" on television.
"Pay Me Now"
Attorney Denvil Crowe knows what makes an impactful ad: professional graphics. Competent actors. A catchy jingle. So when it came time to film his commercial, he naturally scoured the local wrestling leagues to find this natural thespian and figured, in the interest of realism, that a exploding fireball background was obviously the way to go. You'd think in this conversation, they'd show the female "singer" as well but maybe that was too expensive, or she just wasn't as aesthetically pleasing as our friend here.
So you're a rapper trying to get a record deal and hit Jay-Z-levels of success. And hey, you gotta start somewhere. Correction: anywhere but here. Attorney Bruce Flint, seen here in classic B-boy stance, figured since the kids like hip-hop, this would be a guaranteed success. Putting aside the animation that makes a Wii game look like a Pixar film, we're more intrigued by the concert. Most hip-hop tracks are relatively lacking when it comes to hooks, but you have to be pretty desperate to throw your hands up to "Have you ever been injured in an accident?/Call Flint. 1-800-94-Flint." Look for the coveted "Bruce Flint" cameo at the end. At least the creators only made one video like this. Oh wait.
The Most Blunt Lawyer in History
"Hate each other like poison." "Hellhole you call a marriage." "Illiterate boob at the courthouse." "That vermin you call a spouse." We commend attorney Steven Miller for not mincing words when it comes to describing divorce. But don't you get the feeling that Miller, with all the tact of a Larry the Cable Guy special, would talk to the judge the same way? "Your Honor, you could overrule me like some sad-sack podunk first-year on loan from a Matlock dinner theatre, but really, what's that gonna do, eh? What do you mean, Contempt of Court?"
"The Hammer" (?!)
Go to any decent law school and the first thing you'll learn is the need for a nickname to sound more professional. Lowell Stanley was (probably) a mild-mannered legal geek until he transformed himself into....The Hammer. He even has his own catchphrase: "I am the Hammer! They are the Nails!" Taken another, more lurid, way, this can be seen along the same lines as that Saturday Night Live "caulking" skit from a few years back. Lord knows the confusion caused by some poor soul who just hears "Call me and I'll hammer" and thinks he's getting a good time.
My Cousin Marco
Not to be outdone by "The Hammer" is Marco "The California Switchblade" Palumbo. We had to research this one to make sure it wasn't a joke (it's not). Meet the real-life Vincent Laguardia Gambini. You can imagine the styling session before this was shot: The sunglasses. The gelled hair. The open-button shirt that says, "If you're injured in a pool or funneling-related injury on Spring Break, I can help." Ironically, for an ad representing people injured in a DUI accident, doesn't he look exactly like the guy that would injure someone in a DUI accident?
A Stand-Up Guy
Welcome back Bruce Flint. Fresh off his classic "Generic Bad Rap Commercial," Flint has returned. We'll assume the opening joke is intended to not be funny, so we'll let that slide. But we won't forgive "That is funny and lawyer jokes are great," spoken with all the zest and zeal of a doctor informing a child his parents were eaten by bears. Five additional points off for the bizarre wedding background music towards the end.
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