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My mom loves the internet because it's a magical place where she can find old YouTube videos of H.R. Pufnstuf from her childhood along with tutorials that describe the correct way to express your cat's anal glands (click if you dare).

She also uses the web to fill my inbox with matronly advice and updates from home. I've collected the five most common variations of e-mails from my mom, bless her heart.

Dear Mom: If you somehow find this post, I'm just joking. It's the internet. Yes, I called grandma. XOXO.

Dog Video Forwards

Dear Cole, here is a video of a dog howling so he sounds like he is saying 'I love you.' Speaking of dogs, Freddy is doing fine. He got a groundhog bone stuck in his throat so your Dad had to pull it out with pliers. It's always an ordeal with that dog.

Nagging Reminder

When was the last time you called your grandmother? You know it wouldn't kill you to chat with her once in a while. She spent the entire afternoon worrying about an Oak fungus that is spreading throughout the forests in Pennsylvania. Please write her a letter, at least.

Apocalyptic Hysteria

Did you hear about the earthquake in Chile? I'm convinced it's another Sign of the Times. Your father bought an emergency seed bank (the one from the Glenn Beck commercials) that should keep us going if things really go downhill. Stay out of Times Square and try not to use the subway too much. XOXO

Belated Computer Virus Warning

Cole, on the news tonight they talked about a new computer spyware going around called "The Valentine Proxy." Apparently it looks like you got a Valentine from a friend but it's really a Trojan worm. BE CAREFUL!!!

Breaking Vegetable Garden News Update

Terrible news. Our tomatoes got wiped out by a swarm of blister beatles. No canned spaghetti sauce this year. :-(. This life is nasty, brutish and short. Love you, mom.