12.16.09 - 10:00AM
- by
Nick Douglas

The 'As Seen On TV' Holiday Gift Guide

topic:
Videos
Fashion
Marketing
Commercials

This season, give the gift of irony. It's the thought that counts, and these infomercial-pitched gifts say "I thought it would be more fun to make a joke than improve your life." Or, if you're lucky, your recipient will find the gift horribly useful, and in a few months you'll end up in a post on People of Walmart.

The Necky

Are you scared by scarves? Would you like to wear something resembling a bib when you go out? Or, more likely, do you want to top last year's Snuggie? Then I have something "clever" and "hip" for you: The Necky! It's like a winter dickie. It comes in leopard print. Why am I still trying to sell you this when the ad does it so much better?

Perfect Brownie Pan

Just to be fair, here's an immediately useful product. Cutting brownies is awful. My only gripe is that the perfect brownie pan makes every piece a little crunchy on the edges.

Big Top Cupcakes

I think the point here is clearly not that you can make giant cupcakes that make a "thud" when you plop them down, but that Big Top Cupcakes theoretically let you make just the tops, slather them with frosting, and kill your heart disease by giving it diabetes.

Micro S'mores

It's a device that keeps your s'mores aligned in the microwave. It comes with a recipe book. They got testimonials of people reporting that s'mores taste good. Prettay, prettay, prettay lame.

Bottle Tops for Soda Cans

Possibly as lame as the Micro S'mores, Bottle Tops snap onto soda cans to keep them fresh. This is useful for small children with fastidious bottle-closing habits and adults who can't finish a can of soda. Their pitch: "Imagine turning your favorite canned drink into your favorite bottled drink." Yes, I can do this by imagining I bought the drink in a bottle.

EZ Combs

EZ Combs are scrunchies that make every woman look like the Borg Queen. But I won't know if you buy them, so I won't be able to judge you. And for that I'm deeply sorry.

Intelliear

This is the "get back at Grandpa" gift. Intelliear is a hearing aid that looks like a Bluetooth headset. This way, instead of either letting people know you're hard of hearing, or just wearing something small and unnoticeable, your relative will give everyone the impression that he's just rudely waiting for a call. He'll be able to hear you say "I love you, Grandpa!" but it'll feel like he's saying "I love you too" to someone on the phone. You can also get this for a young person who wants to blast their ears out early.