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Mortel B. Legendre

Laaaaaadies! Let's list all the things you want in a man:

  • He is a venture capitalist (ka-CHING!!!$$!!$$!)
  • He dabbles in real estate (ka...ching?)
  • He is a "filmmaker" (uh oh)
  • He has a computer (phew!)
  • ...which he uses to make this website (yikes)
  • There might be a gold Bernie Madoff paper weight on his desk (double yikes)
  • He "manages and promotes" European Myrmikylical farms (SAY WHAT, GIRL?)
  • He is Paulie Walnuts + Danny DeVito x UH-MAAAZING

Mortel B. Legendre is a disco clown space pimp simple gentleman on the search for love. His crazy ethnic family (OOPA! or whatever), dismayed by the end of his marriage, just wants to see him settle down with a nice girl.

Hear that, girls? In addition to receiving "sizable generous tax free payments before and after the wedding ceremony," you can also be the fair maiden on this dude's DEFINITELY WEALTHY arm (his arm is probably worth, like, $1,000,000,000 alone).

For a mere FIVE YEARS OF YOUR HUMAN LIFE, all you need to do is drop this guy an e-mail and picture (no "nudie cuties") to acquire piles of money, with a side of domestic bliss -- or as Mortel puts it, "husband-wife-lala things." (P.S. You should probably ask what "lala things" entail before you take off your underpants.)

Dear internet gods, let us play Cupid, will you? Because if Mortel B. Legendre needs to meet one woman, a heaving boddess of ferocious femininity and good-natured nachas, whose beguiling ways will melt the heart of any gentleman who comes her way, let that temptress be TRENITA!