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What are high schools like these days? When I went, the popular kids were the ones on the basketball team, but now that YouTube has turned dorky hobbies into badass attention-getters, I figure the prom king election is a toss-up between Cup Stacker Kid and Parkour Guy. I'm gonna go break out my diabolo and hacky sacks while you watch these fun useless sports.



1. Cup Stacking

This sport is twenty years old, but like a lot of tricks of manual dexterity, it got a second wind when YouTube turned it into a viral phenom. I call it a sport because the people who make it call it a sport, with official cups, timer trays, and judges, and they say it promotes coordination and oh god who cares watch this little kid stack some cups.


2. Rubik's Cube Solving

This is a pretty legit stunt. I saw a documentary about rapid Rubik's solvers. They lube up the cubes to go faster, and they learn all sorts of math and compete with different methods to rapidly unscramble cubes. One guy said, "People ask me what the 'trick' is. Years and years of practice, that's the trick!"


3. Pen Spinning

We all had a friend who did this, with way too much skill, in the middle class, right? And this friend had long hair and probably saved his old Arizona Tea bottles and filled them with highlighter fluid and stacked them behind his blacklight?

Is it racist to say that Asian kids are always better at dexterity tricks? I mean all these videos say "Korean kids" or "Japanese pen tricks" or something.


4. Speed Pipe Smoking

This trick would definitely make me the coolest kid in the 9th grade.


5. Yo-Yo Tricks

Seriously guys, America needs to wake up and combat the Japanese kids who are learning dexterity tricks like five times as fast as we are. We are facing a Dexterity Gap. Call TIME Magazine! They've taken over the great American pastime of yo-yos!

Yes, America stole the hobby from the Philippines, but isn't this week all about celebrating things we took from other indigenous peoples?


6. Footbag (Hacky Sack)

One year, one of the contestants in the Footbag World Championships tested negative for drugs and they kicked him off.
(A former champion hacky sack player wrote in with the following:)
Dear urlesque,
Your article on ten fake sports that are thrilling to watch is really terrific and I loved reading and seeing the great sports.
I would however ask you to ammend your section on Hackysack/ Footbag though. I am a member of the International Footbag Players Association board and was a competitor and judge at the 2009 World Footbag Championships. We didn't kick anyone out for being on drugs and to suggest that everyone else in the competition was it completely unfair and libellous. We love what we do and stuggle with this antiquated perception of the sport as associated to drugs and would appreciate it if you showed a little more respect for what is a great sport, and refrain from spreading lies about how the sport is governed.


7. Devil Sticks

The fake sport with the coolest name is, of course, the dorkiest thing one could possibly be good at. I mean, at least pen spinning doesn't need special props.


8. Diabolo

Another hippie/circus/high school dork classic, the diabolo is like a freehand yo-yo that allows for more visually impressive stunts. Google News shows that the toy started a huge craze at the turn of the century. In 1907, a kid in Montclair, New Jersey lost control of a diabolo and whacked a horse, making it run away and injure its owner, according to the New York Times.


9. Coin Bouncing

This is the most embarrassing skill to describe: A kid is very good at bouncing coins so that they land in shot glasses. It's actually only impressive after you see the slow-motion replays and realize just how tricky it is to aim those coins.


10. Card Throwing

This is a classic magician's stunt, but it's not an illusion. It's been performed by magicians like Ricky Jay. But one card thrower, Rick Smith Jr., dominates the stunt. Here's a montage of his TV performances.