So maybe we're a little bit obsessed with old ladies.

Specifically old lady poet laureates.

Specifically Maya Angelou.

The accomplished poet, historian, author, actress, playwright, civil-rights activist, producer and director (don't forget to wash your hands, Maya!) is a force to be reckoned with. But reckoned with she has been, thanks to the delightful, brilliant Monday Morning Maya, a weekly feature "ghostwritten" by Adam Streeter at Wordsmoker.

All in good fun, of course, "Maya's" weekly affirmation focuses mostly on consumerist-friendly mass-produced sh*t, from hair remover to frozen breakfasts.

Here's an excerpt of what "Maya" had to say upon discovering Miracle Whip:

Miracle Whip,
Which is an understatement,
I am reminded of the sound of
Tribal drums
ancient Aztec chants
The battle cry of the Terra Cotta Warriors
who coalesced from the earth of Mount Lishan.
It is you,
Miracle Whip,
proud mother of delicious flavors
who is capable of performing the greatest miracle of all!

"Maya" on Ding Dongs:

What power is this you carry,
Ding Dongs?
Time after time you
Surprise me
Suddenly
With your rich cream,
Hiding so unexpectedly
Within your mocha visage
To the extent that I leap with pleasure
Leap out of my skin
Out of my spirit
Out of this world and
Onto a far away moon
Where chocolate rivers run
Through cream peaks
A land of peace and prosperity.
May I never leave.

OMGGGG, if she gets this excited over Ding Dongs, imagine what will happen when Maya discovers the Slanket! The lady's head will f*cking explode!

...As will ours. As will ours.

• link:// Monday Morning Maya (on Wordsmoker)