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Chuck Norris is a officially a figurehead of Internet humor, an icon who will forever stand alongside Dramatic Chipmunk, Tay Zonday and Star Wars guy as one of the web's legendary sources of meme mythology. His online following has theoretically grew out of several factors:

  • a laughably hypermasculine bravado
  • coyly-sculpted facial hair
  • the results of his going under the knife (and keeping mum)
  • terrible acting skills
  • his endorsement of the Bowflex
  • Conan O'Brien's merciless Walker, Texas Ranger lever

But, um, where the ladies at? Neither Leslie Hall nor her bedazzled sweaters necessarily cut it when it comes to females that dominate the conversations inside message boards, forums and IM boxes. Where is the lady equivalent of Chuck Norris? Where is the Internet's Chuck Norrisette?

The following are our nominees.



Bea Arthur is already famous and "funny-famous." The former Golden Girl is constantly the subject of an ongoing d*ck joke at Comedy Central roasts, with which she joyfully plays along. She playfully donned a weave for a very funny Sex And The City parody. And comedic artist Brandon Bird has paid the ultimate tribute to Bea by painting her as having a fiery tyrannosaurus rex in a chokehold. It doesn't get any more Internutty than that.

(And, hey, if Bea doesn't want the title of Norrisette, there's always Rue Maclanahan.)




Ellen Cleghorne essentially went unnoticed (despite some very funny characters like Zoraida and Queen Shaniqua) on Saturday Night Live. She had a short-lived show on The WB network called -- appropriately enough -- Cleghorne! Not that she's necessarily unfunny, but Hollywood hasn't been too kind to Cleghorne, so perhaps a second life on the Web would do her some good.





Penny Marshall was made momentarily relevant again on Saturday Night Live the very same day I had begun writing this post (damn you, SNL, beating me to the punch with your "national viewing audience"). And that's because she's an incredibly underrated figure in famous weirdos. Like James Franco's character says in the sketch, what's up with her tiny glasses? Why does she always look miserable? What is that gobbly-gook of a Brooklyn accent? At the end of the day, she is too crazy to be ignored. Penny Marshall, follow in your friend Rosie O'Donnell's footsteps and start a blog of thinly-veiled haikus. Please!





Kathy Najimy seemed to be carrying a healthy career as the C-list sidekick of movies for grown-ups that could pass as movies for kids. She was in Sister Act with Whoopi Goldberg. She was in Hocus Pocus with Bette Midler. Then she did Veronica's Closet with Kirstie Alley. (Yeeeikes.) But she's still maintained a healthy resume that boasts spots on King Of The Hill, Numb3rs and That's So Raven. And yet, she will forever be sketched in our minds as the goofy lady in denim overalls, relegating her to a necessary nomination as a Norissette.

Also...what???





Jackée Harry is one of those people who (we assume, as we -- sadly -- have never beared witness) commands the attention of a room the moment she steps inside. But that's also because she's very loud and has a baby voice. Her career was -- dare we say -- "resurrected" on tween hit Sister Sister after she initially gained celebrity on 227, and if Jackée Harry knows one thing, it's how to convince people you're sexually appealing, to which Chuck Norris would surely press his palms together and bow in grateful recognition.