While most men would surely prefer to see every girl costumed as a skanked-up witch, cop or flight attendant on Halloween, Urlesque has more faith in the ladies. We want 2008 to be different, to be the year when profile pictures posted on November 1st display something other than naughty firewomen flashing cleave and busty French maids dusting suspiciously high corners.

We want 2008 to be the year when women took back October 31st, a milestone in American feminism for the history books when females traded the "sexy [profession]" for something a little more dumpy, prude, and intentionally sexless.

Run and cover (up)! It's Urlesque's Unsexiest Sexy Halloween Costumes!
  • The Optometry Technician is a no-nonsense broad whose boxy scrub-dress conveys pure harmlessness until the moment those flood lights thrash your cornea. HOT!

  • Who says a hot librarian needs Tina Fey glasses and a well placed neck scarf to look presentable? The Dewey Decimal-loving dinosaur who smells like molasses eagerly awaits pointing her finger at even the quietest of library patrons, so please keep it to a dull roar...or else! RACY!

  • Some men find nothing sexier than a chick with a gun! Now imagine that chick with pigtails, full body armor and post traumatic stress disorder. That's what we're talking about! SCANDALOUS!

  • As it goes, when a lady dresses as a sexy cat, it's all about leopard print, playful ears, and a long, wavy tail. But why not go all out and dress in a giant, full-bodied cat costume that covers your entire visage, mascot-style? FILTHY!

  • Whether or not Catholicism can be considered "sexy" is a subjective question. Whether or not nuns are sexy is an entire question altogether, to which the answer is a definitive "YES," especially when the only flesh Sister bears publicly is face, wrist and a splash of ankle. FUN!

  • But if you want to go all-out, if you want your costume to be as devoid of sexual appeal as possible, we've got two words for you: Whoopi Goldberg. Shave your eyebrows, throw on some drug-store sunglasses, and grab the nearest pair of baggy men's khakis you can find. This is going to be one cold, staid Halloween.


(JK! WE LOVES US SOME WHOOPI!)