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There are a lot of things you could do with $125. You could probably get some great vintage clothes, maybe build your own aquarium or treat yourself to a fancy dinner.

You know what else you could do with $125? You could get your ass read. By this lady...



Jacqueline Stallone -- mother of Sylvester, astrologer and former circus performer -- believes that the "lines, crevices, and folds of your fanny" (her words, not mine) provide insight into your future. As the foremost authority on rumpology, she claims to have adopted the practice from ancient Babylonians and Indians (albeit with no supporting evidence). So if you pull down your pants, take a picture of your butt and send it to Jackie with payment of $125 (shipping included!), she will gladly provide the following:

  • a prediction of where your ass "will take you" regarding love, career, and finance in the next year (incidentally, you could probably answer the question yourself if you merely start showing your ass to other people -- and charge them per hour)
  • a "no-frills" report on the markings of your butt (you know, in case you didn't know what it looked like)
  • an 8.5" x 11" glossy print of your rear, which Jackie suggests you keep as a "family keepsake" (by which she means "ripe blackmail evidence")

Is rumpology a scam? Is Jackie Stallone pulling a fast one on us? Although the answer isn't certain, one possible way to find out would be to ask Jackie if her own ass could momentarily allow her to recite the lyrics she rhymed during her stint as the head of GLOW, The Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling.