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Maybe it's the bald eagle superimposed on the American flag, itself superimposed on Laura Bush (who's naturally dressed as Lady Liberty), but some places just scream "Buy Your 4th of July Fireworks Here!" And I do, I really do because I'm a sucker for over-the-top patriotism and the awesome hair that normally comes with it. Other places, though -- the ones with concerning names and homicidal mascots -- make me scream, then run for cover. Watch out for these ... Places You Probably Want to Avoid Buying Explosives From This Independence Day:

In case you had any doubts -- YES our fireworks are illegal. But lest you forget, our country was founded by outlaws and renegades! There's nothing more patriotic than buying wholesale Black Market Fireworks this 4th of July and scorching your neighbor's hedge.


Yeah, maybe the name is inspired -- by a part of our collective history that doesn't exactly make me want to beam up at sparkles in the sky with cracka pride.

The mascots for crazy Dean's and crazier Steve's are lovably kooky in that apesh*t crazy "I eats cat food" kinda way, until you realize that these are crazy people in charge of selling massive quantities of burn-your-face-off fireworks. Steve, especially, has quite the sales pitch.



Something about Guerilla Imports' line of, ummm, specialty merchandise makes me think that when they finally do locate that "best possible fireworks supplier," their business relationship will be featured prominently on 'The Wire'. No one's safe on that show! And that's all I want for you this 4th of July. Be safe, so maybe just upload a fireworks screen saver instead.