1. The Anime Character Name Generator
How hurtful? Really, really hurtful.
What you lose: The shirt off your back.
What you gain: A bikini.
My name: Hanako "Bikini in Winter" Sakamoto

2. The Romantic, Sweet, Silly, and Sexy Pet Names We Call Each Other Namer
How hurtful? Just slightly less demeaning than life as a little anime girl in a Christmas bikini.
What you lose: All remaining shreds of self-respect.
My name: Cuddle boo Kissy-Pookie pie

3. The Pee-pee Name Generator
How hurtful? Fellow Urlesque staffer Kelly Reeves will be very hurt.
What she lost: A choice in the matter. She been name generated without consent, y'all.
What she gained: A pee-pee.
Its name: Gummi Worm

4. The Celebrity Couple Name Generator
How hurtful? Unmerciful. Fellow Urlesque staffer Kelly Reeves can't catch a break.
What she lost now: Her freedom.
What she gained: Urlesque staffer Jake Hurwitz.
Their name: Kelitz

5. The Trendy Name Generator
How hurtful? Godawful. Tannifer? Tannifer?!

6. The Cyborg Name Generator
How hurtful? Kind of hurtful. No matter which cyborg you choose, you're forced into a life of planetary annihilation.
What you lose: Your compassion. Your soul.
What you gain: Lasers probably.
My name: Journeying Artificial Killing Entity

7. Emo Song Name Generator
How hurtful? Hurtful enough to perpetuate still more emo.
What you lose: Your already fragile sense of masculinity.
What you gain: Words to better articulate the agony that is your life.
My song name: Stab My Tears Because You're So Controversial

8. Pop Star Name Generator
How hurtful? Expects you to live up to its unrealistic expectations of pop superstardom, inevitably leading to your tragically chubby downfall and impregnation. Hurtful.
What you lose: Future custody battles.
What you gain: Weight.
My name: P. J. Jordan

9. Fake Name Generator
How hurtful? Good intentions, but still--psychotically controlling. I had to move to Orlando.
What you lose: A troubled past.
What you gain: Mystery. A new social security number.
My name: Sébastien Arsenault

10. Jedi Knight Name Generator
How hurtful? Bit of a blabby Gabby, this one. It can't wait to broadcast your drug habits to the rest of the Galactic Republic.
What you lose: Trust in name generators. Your youthful naivety.
What you gain: A light saber.
My name: HOSJA VIFOO of the planet Tylenol Sinus

11. Brazilian Name Generator
How hurtful? Makes me feel special, but not special enough.
What you lose: A surname.
What you gain: The shirt you lost when you got your anime name.
My name: Jakisco

12. The Fantastical Character Namerator
How hurtful? Indirectly responsible for innumerable wedgies and pantsings.
What you lose: Touch with reality.
What you gain: I'm a male elf shadowdancer animal-handler Lord Jamben Glimmergaunt, y'all.

See what I mean? After one too many name generators, you retreat to a world of elven fantasy just to leave all that hurt and confusion behind. Stay there and await further instruction.


photo:// SqueakyMarmot's Flickr (cc)